Some day I know that our crazy life will be on "cruise" and I will look back at these days and be able to smile and thank God for bringing us through these hard times. Now to catch those of you who don't know our situation up to speed --- when our youngest son Jace, who is now 16 months old, he was diagnosed with a tethered spinal cord. In easy terminology - his spinal cord was attached to some tissue on his back when it really should be "free". So when he was 3 months old, he had surgery to "release" the cord and also had some of his tailbone shaved off as it curved out rather than in.
So began the cycle of trips back to Minneapolis for follow up appts. and MRI's every 3 months. In April they noticed a small (6mm) fluid pocket along his spine. In July, it had grown slightly(9mm) and we were told then that surgery may be necessary to drain the fluid. We received word on Dec. 21st that the MRI from Dec. 4th showed "significant" growth and was now 15 mm. Amazing how those simple words spoken can break a Mom's heart. This is a child who has met all of his developmental milestones thus far - still not walking a lot but doctors aren't too concerned about that. You would never know looking at him that there was anything "wrong" with him. I say that because I hate that! There is nothing "wrong" with him. I like to think of it more as that he has a flaw that needs to be fixed.
So we will be going back to Minneapolis on Dec. 16th to consult with the pediatric neurosurgeon and then he will undergo another surgery on Dec. 17th. We don't know for sure the plan and not even sure the surgeon will know until he gets in there. He is suspicious that the cord has reattached and if that's the case - will release it again.
Each day gets a little easier - yesterday was the first day since Dec. 21st that I didn't cry. I try to put on my brave face and be strong for my boys. I was brought up to be strong and not show a lot of emotion. There's nothing wrong with that but I've also learned that sometimes it's ok to be weak. Everyone does it in their own way and own place. Mine is a huge release of tears and I choose to do it when I go to bed when the boys are all sleeping. It is so heart wrenching knowing that I have to hand my baby over again to a stranger. The first time he didn't know the difference but I know he will this time. I visualize him clinging to me and reaching for me and saying "Momma" and I honestly don't know how I will make it through that. But I know that I will because that's what tough moms do :) We have amazing family members and friends who are like family that will be there with us through every step of the way.
But most importantly, we will have God with us. He will be present in the operating room and guiding the doctors and nurses through the procedure and along the way during Jace's recovery. He will be with Mike and I as we do what we must do to get through this. I stop and think about how much my faith has grown in the last 16 months. I honestly find it very strange! Have I questioned God? Yes! Have I asked him to PLEASE let it be me instead of Jace? DAILY! But I trust in God and know that He only gives you what you can handle. So instead of getting mad and turning my back on my faith, I have turned it over to Him. I pray that He heals my sweet baby!!
FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS ----
